Brenda Read online

  “If you say so dear.”

  What the actual fuck. It’s like talking to a brick wall. “So are you going to take it?” Jacob’s father asked, shaking him out of his thoughts.

  “Um, I haven’t decided yet.”

  “What’s the job?”

  “It’s a management training position. You know, definitely not a janitor.”

  “Well, why wouldn’t you take it? It sounds like a good opportunity.”

  “Fine, I’ll take it,” Jacob said, trying to get his father off his back.

  “I’m not trying to pressure you,” Jacob’s father said, trying to pressure Jacob. “It just seems like a good opportunity is all.”

  “No, you’re right, it is. I don’t know, I mean, she just offered me the job yesterday. I guess I haven’t had time to think it over yet, but I’ll definitely take it.” Anything to get you off my back, I suppose. “Anyway, I have to get going.”

  “Where do you have to go?” Jacob’s mother asked.

  To jack off. “Oh, I told a friend from college I’d meet up with him. I didn’t know you guys would be coming, on account of the whole you didn’t tell me thing. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Thanks for breakfast.”

  “How was breakfast, sir?” Reginald asked as Jacob entered his apartment.

  “Fucking terrible,” Jacob said, flipping his shoes off in an unnecessarily disorganized and sloppy manner, and flopping on the couch like a melodramatic sack of shit. “They just got back from Detroit. My cousin Richard just got married, so I got to hear about him the whole time.”

  Reginald shook his head sadly. “Fucking Richard, sir.”

  “I know, right? What a dickhead,” Jacob said of the cousin who had never been anything but nice to him, going out of his way to include him in activities with his friends whenever Jacob visited, despite a five year age difference. “And of course, I got interrogated about the whole job thing.”

  “So what did you tell them, sir?”

  Jacob shrugged. “What do you think? I told them I got a job at Lucy’s dad’s company.”

  “I thought you hadn’t decided if you were going to take that job or not, sir?”

  “I hadn’t, but what else was I going to do? Sit there and listen to them prattle on about fucking Richard the whole time?” Jacob asked, angry that his cousin, who had once given Jacob his favorite toy after Jacob had broken his, had the audacity to be gainfully employed.

  “I suppose, sir. Fucking Richard, sir. That man is unbelievable,” Reginald said, shaking his head mournfully. “So, I suppose this means you’ll be working for Ms. Fontaine now, sir?”

  “Yeah, well, that would be the downside, now wouldn’t it? I was kind of thinking about taking the job anyway, though, so at least this makes that decision easy,” said Jacob, who hated thinking about shit. “Anyway, I guess I’ll text her and tell her I’m taking the job.”

  “Text her, sir? Don’t you think you should at least call her?”

  “What? Why would I do that? Then I’d have to talk to her.”

  “You mean you’d have to talk to the woman you had lunch with yesterday, before spending the whole evening talking with her and her friends, sir? I fail to see why this is a big deal.”

  “Shutup, Reginald. It’s because it’s a telephone, Reginald. It’s the uncanny valley of communication, Reginald, if you even know what that is, Reginald. It’s personal enough to be awkward, unlike a text, but it’s not personal enough that you feel like you’re interacting with another person, like in person communications. It just sucks, and is terrible, and awkward. Reginald.” Jacob looked at Reginald with the combination of anger and disgust that can only come from someone suggesting you do what you know you should. “Jesus fucking Christ, Reginald, fine. I’ll call her.”

  Jacob picked up his cell phone and called Lucy, praying the whole time that the call would go to voicemail. Thank fucking God, he thought as Lucy’s voicemail message played through the speaker on his phone. “Hey, Lucy, this is Jacob. I decided that I’ll take that job we were talking about yesterday, so give me a call or let me know any details or whatever. Talk to you later,” Jacob said, wincing at the awkward incompetence of his message.

  “I take it she didn’t answer, sir.”

  “Oh, gee Reginald, what gave you that idea? Maybe it was the blatantly obvious voicemail I just left her. Is that what gave you the hint that maybe she didn’t answer and maybe I had to leave a voicemail, Reginald? Is that how you figured it out, you fucking genius you? Go fuck yourself.”

  “So, you see, sir? She didn’t want to talk to you, either.”

  “What? What makes you say that, Reginald? Maybe she just didn’t have her phone with her.”

  “Really, sir? When have you ever known Ms. Fontaine to not have her phone on her?”

  “Shut up, Reginald. Just shut up. Nobody asked you anyway,” Jacob said, suddenly a little hurt that someone might feel the same toward him that he felt toward them. “Besides, why would I give a fuck? I didn’t want to fucking talk to that bitch anyway, Reginald. I’m glad she sent it to voicemail. It lets me get out of talking to her stupid ass. So shut the fuck up and leave me alone, Reginald. You fuck monster.”

  Jacob’s overly aggressive and frankly somewhat baffling rant was interrupted by a knock at the door. He answered to see Rock standing there in all his douchey goodness, exuding undeserved confidence and body spray.

  “Well, I did it,” Rock declared proudly, entering Jacob’s apartment and flopping down on the couch the exact same way Jacob had after returning from his parental breakfast. Seriously, like the exact same dead fish flop. I don’t know what it is with young people, whether gravity is stronger with them or they’re just lazy as fuck, but somehow they all flop down like that as soon as they get in the door. Like standing up or even sitting down like a normal person takes too much effort. Lazy fucks. I hate young people.

  “Did what?” Jacob asked, since “it” doesn’t exactly let anybody know what the fuck your dumb ass is talking about.

  “I slept with Nancy.” Rock leaned back and rested his sleazeball head on his hands with a self-satisfied grin that just made you want to punch him in his stupid fucking face. What a douche dick.

  “Uh, good for you, I guess? How is that any of my business, though?”

  Rock shrugged. “I don’t know. I just thought you’d like to know.”

  “Rock, let me be crystal clear. I don’t not give an iota of a fuck who you bang, why you bang them, or any other details of your sex life. Understood?”

  “Sure, sure. Let me tell you though, it was one hell of a night,” Rock said, ignoring Jacob and feeling it necessary to continue to brag about the fact that he had engaged in sexual intercourse with another human being, something that few, if any, other twenty four year olds have ever done and that is literally the pinnacle of human achievement. It actually demonstrates a great deal of restraint on his part that he didn’t take out a full page ad in the New York Times to announce his achievement, which he seemed to consider on par with the work of Crick and Watson. Seriously, being sexually active at twenty four? Wow, Rock. What a stud.

  “I don’t care.”

  “I’m telling you bro, this girl is a freak,” Rock said, continuing to ignore Jacob’s apathy, Nancy’s privacy, and any shred of basic human decency.

  “Jesus Christ, shut the hell up.”

  “I hope she doesn’t think we’re dating now, though.”

  Jacob sighed. “Now, why would she ever think that, Rock?”

  Rock shrugged. “I don’t know, but this morning she refused to leave after we woke up. Eventually, I had to get up and head back to my own apartment. Oh, also, last night I told her we were dating.”

  Jacob rubbed his forehead in disbelief. “Why would you do that, Rock?”

  “I don’t know. I was close to closing the deal, but I wasn’t sure if she was down to just screwing around or not, so you know, I fudged it a little. I wasn’t thinking straight, man,” Rock laughed,
joking around, completely oblivious to what an incredible asshole he was. “I don’t know, dude, I think I may be screwed. At the time I kind of meant it, but now I’m beginning to think this chick may be crazy.”

  “Why do you say that, Rock?”

  Rock shrugged. “I mean, we slept together once, and she seems to be under the impression we’re dating. I only left like four hours ago, and already she’s texting me asking if I want to hang out? How possessive can you get?”

  “So the woman you slept with had the audacity to contact you the next day? Jesus Christ, Rock. Just text her back and tell her you don’t want to hang out.”

  “Oh, I texted her back, but we are hanging out tonight.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Dude. Sex.”

  Jacob rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling very exhausted for some unknown reason. “So to summarize, you told this woman you were dating, had sex with her, then agreed to go hang out with her the next night, and you’re wondering where she might have gotten the idea that you two are a couple?”

  “Yeah, weird, right? Whatever. Bitches always be jumping to conclusions. Anyway, what’s new with you?”

  “Not much. It looks like I got a job at Lucy’s dad’s evil empire.”

  “Nice, dude. Congratulations. What do they do there, anyway?”

  “I don’t know. What’s it matter?”

  “What’s the job? Alcoholic janitor?”

  “No, actually. She said there was no opening there.”

  “Too bad. When do you start?”

  “Don’t know.”

  “What do you know about this job?” Rock laughed.

  “I know it’s more than you have, twat lover.”

  “How is that an insult?”

  “Anyway, I called Lucy earlier, but the phone went straight to voicemail.”

  “Ah, she didn’t want to talk to you.”

  “Fuck off. Anyway, I left her a voicemail, so now I’m waiting for this bitch to call back,” Jacob said, still bitter that the woman who had so generously offered him a job had not taken his call earlier, despite the fact that he had no idea what her reason for not picking up was. She could have been sleeping, or in the shower, or having lunch with her family, but did Jacob care. No. No he didn’t. That ungrateful fuckhead.

  “Hmm. Why didn’t you just text her?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, it just seemed like a situation in which a phone call was more appropriate. You know what I mean?”

  “Not at all.”

  “You know, like some things you just don’t do over text. Like accepting a job offer. Or breaking up with somebody.”

  Rock laughed. “What do you mean, dude? I break up with people over text all the time.”

  “What? Really? Why?”

  Rock shrugged. “I mean, if I wanted to talk to you, I probably wouldn’t be breaking up with you.”

  “I guess that makes sense,” Jacob said, confusing selfishness with logic again.

  “Yeah, dude,” Rock said, standing up and stretching, which was probably more work than he’d done all week. “Anyway, I got to get going. I want to take a nap before heading over to Nancy’s later. Rest up, if you know what I mean.”

  “Rock, for the last time, I don’t fucking care.”

  Rock left, and as Jacob made his way back to the living room, he checked his phone. He had a new text from Lucy reading, “Meet me in the lobby 7 am on Mon. Ill fill you in on the way.”

  7 am? Jacob thought as he flopped down on the couch. What am I? Fucking Amish?

  Chapter 5-Jacob Goes to Work.

  Jacob had managed to drag his ass out of bed and make it to the lobby to meet Lucy with ten whole minutes to spare. Jesus Christ, he thought to himself as he rubbed his arms, despite the fact that it was already about sixty degrees. I didn’t know they made a seven in the morning as well. This blows. Am I going to have to do this every day? Life sucks.

  His self-pitying, pussy-ass moping was interrupted as he saw Janelle Atkins step off the elevator. Despite the early hour, she managed to smile at Jacob, sunshine and gummy bears shooting out her ass. Fuck her for being happy before seven o’clock.

  “Good morning. You heading to work?” Janelle asked, having the audacity to behave like a normal, socially well-adjusted human being instead of some half-asleep zombie.

  No, I just like to wake up early, put on a shirt and tie and stand around in the lobby for kicks. Dumbass. “Uh, yeah. You?”

  “Same. Where do you work?”

  What the fuck do you care? Jesus Christ, I just want to go to work, not be subjected to the Spanish Inquisition over here. “Lucy’s dad’s company. You familiar with it?”

  “Sure, LDC. I know a lot of people who work there.”

  LDC? They’re abbreviating Lucy’s dad’s company now? That’s kind of weird, but I guess it’s a time saver. “How about you?”

  “Law firm across town. Why do you keep pausing before you answer?”

  “Uh, what?”

  “Yeah, every time I ask you something, you wait a minute before answering, almost like you’re saying something in your head first.”

  “Uh, it’s early. I’m still tired. So what?”

  Janelle shrugged. “It’s just kind of weird, is all. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone do that before.”

  Jacob sighed. “Well, if you want to know the truth, I’m secretly insulting you in my head after every sentence you say.”

  Janelle laughed at Jacob’s joke. “Anyway, I have to get going. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I wonder where she’s coming from, Jacob thought as Janelle made her way outside. Does she live here?

  Lucy showed up shortly after Janelle left, and the two walked in together, with Lucy explaining the duties of Jacob’s job on the way and Jacob paying little attention, spending his time thinking about kittens, then boobies, then kitten boobies in lieu of listening to what he was supposed to be doing. As a result, by the time they got to the company’s headquarters he was as clueless as ever regarding the responsibilities of his new post.

  “Well, here we are,” Lucy said as the two entered the lobby. “This is the headquarters of LDC.”

  “Great. This place is awesome. What is it we do again?”

  “What do you mean?” Lucy asked, giving Jacob an awkward stare. “You do know what LDC stands for, don’t you?”

  “Lucy’s dad’s company?”

  “Oh, Jacob, you’re such a riot,” Lucy said with a laugh and a playful slap on the arm, completely oblivious to the fact that this was actually Jacob’s best guess to the meaning of the company that now employed him. “Lucy’s dad’s company. That never occurred to me, but I like it. It’s very clever. Come on, I’ll introduce you around.”

  Hmm. So LDC is actually the name of this place? I feel like I should probably learn what that stands for at some point, Jacob thought as he followed Lucy through the office. Meh. Not important. I’ll just keep referring to it as… holy shit, what is that thing?

  Sitting at the desk in front of him was a rather, shall we say ‘plump’? Anyway, at the desk was a rather plump lady with long dark red hair and a bit too much perfume. “Jacob, this is Bethany Stomos. She’s Mr. Mankin’s secretary,” Lucy said as Jabba stood and extended a hand to Jacob.

  Oh my god, what a huge fat ass. It’s a super fat ass. It’s like her fat ass went to a fat ass convention full of big fat asses, got hungry, and ate all the other fat asses to become an even bigger fat ass with a fat ass full of fat asses. And the perfume! It’s like she went swimming in a pool full of it. Then got confused, mistook it for gravy and drank the entire pool of perfume, Jacob thought, being rather cruel and ignoring the fact that this was a perfectly nice woman who happened to be a bit on the heavy side. And wore a bit too much perfume. Well, way too much perfume.

  “Jacob, it’s very nice to meet you,” said the very nice woman who really was wearing just an insane amount of perfume, though this in no way excuses Jacob’s cruel mocking of her w
eight. Not that it was any of his business anyway. “You must be the new manager in training.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Jacob said, his superficial politeness hiding the fact that he was secretly mocking this kind woman, who had never done anything to him, and would certainly joke about her behind her back at the first opportunity he had like the twisted, sadistic monster that he was. Come on, that perfume is seriously fucking disgusting. It’s like she thinks that if she puts enough perfume on, it will cover up the fact that she’s a fucking fat ass. Like if you put on enough perfume, it will be enough to outweigh her physical unattractiveness, as if sight and smell weren’t two different senses.

  “Ooh, aren’t you polite,” Bethany gushed. I recognize gush is kind of a gross word, but it’s really the only word to describe her reaction. “And cute, too. Ooh, I could just eat you up.”

  You see. You see! Jacob thought as Bethany grabbed his cheeks and pinched them like the stereotypical annoying aunt. This woman is absolutely terrible.

  Now, as much as I’ve been defending this well-intentioned and really very nice lady, this was admittedly annoying and terribly awkward for all involved. It was awkward for Lucy, who wasn’t sure whether to look away or fake a laugh, and especially awkward for Jacob, whose face was being compressed by a woman who he’d just met. It wasn’t awkward, however, for Bethany, who somehow seemed completely oblivious to the utter inappropriateness of her actions.

  “Uh, Bethany, is Mr. Mankin in his office?” Lucy asked as the whole painful transaction came to an end.

  “Yeah. You can go ahead and head in, but knock in case he’s on the phone,” Bethany said. Lucy knocked and opened the door, heading in ahead of Jacob.

  Wait a minute. Wait just a goddamn minute, Jacob thought, apparently not willing to get over a well-intentioned if socially awkward gesture from a kind, perfume-soaked lady and let the story progress. No, fuck that. Are we really just going to ignore that whole thing? That’s straight up sexual harassment. If a guy had done that, he’d be fired in a heartbeat.

  Jacob quickly got over his fear that a dude was going to pinch his cheeks and be fired for it, brushed the incident off like a normal man, and marched his fucking crybaby pussy ass into his new boss’s office, because that’s what the story demands. I fucking hate you, Jacob thought, not that anybody gave a shit, as he was greeted by a tall man in a suit.